Oh boy, this is fun! And this is only stuff for the Pharmacy. If people enjoy these, I can embark on the Psychiatrist's collection.
Name: Festering Ryoma.
Cause: No known cause, Ryoma just appears.
Symptoms: This is pretty much the most disgusting thing ever. Nobody likes waking up slick with Ryoma.
Cure: A trained psychiatrist must first deal with the trauma of Ryoma. The patient is then referred to the pharmacy where a cocktail of antibiotics, antivirals, antifungals and soap is administered.
Path: GP ? Psy ? GP ? Pharma
Notes: Inspired by this comic that made me feel a bit ill. I hope Ryoma isn't trademarked! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=431
Name: The Big One
Cause: Beer, wine, Scotch, Gin and Tequila. Through a hose.
Symptoms: A headache that re-creates conditions a billionth of a second after the Big Bang.
Cure: A nurse administers a mix of egg yolks, chilli powder and rubbing alcohol, followed by a stern lecture.
Path: GP ? Pharm
Notes: Patients suffering from this 'disease' are EXTREMELY likely to un-eat a rainbow onto the floor.
Cause: Accidental or intentional consumption of festive decorations.
Symptoms: Yule logs.
Cure: Patient must drink a sweet concoction distilled from candy bars and mint humbugs. Bar Humbug.
Path: GP ? G. Diag. ? Scanner ? GP ? Pharm
Notes: These patients may need to use the toilet facitilies for a long time. If anyone can make them fart glitter, they will be my hero.
Name: Stewed Plums
Cause: Sitting for long periods with a laptop computer.
Symptoms: Uncomfortably warm and chafey crotch.
Cure: A nurse gives the patient a chilled extract of cold cream to drink, and an ice pack to take home.
Path: GP ? G. Diag. ? Cardio ? GP ? Pharm
Notes: Obviously sufferers are exclusively male. The use of the Cardio is cruel and unusual punishment.
Name: Malodorous Secretions
Cause: Patient has forsaken normal diet in favour of home-grown produce.
Symptoms: Patient's humours reek like a mix of goat's cheese, garlic and manure.
Cure: A nurse forces the patient to drink a potion containing extracts of non-organic peppermint, eucalyptus and citrus oils.
Path: GP ? Blood Machine ? GP ? Pharm
Notes: Pretty standard. Possibly patient comes covered in brown and green stains and disarrayed hair like an overworked doctor.
Name: Elastic Limit
Cause: Amateur yoga sessions.
Symptoms: Patient's connective tissues are loose, floppy and unresponsive.
Cure: Patient must drink a tonic of molten rubber to re-elasticate the tissues.
Path: GP ? Cardio ? X-ray ? GP ? Pharm
Notes: Patients could use same model as Jelly-itis sufferers.